Do we belong?

During the commemoration of the martyrdom of Imam Hussain, I met a specific group of people I had not met in many years. From the first moment of our encounter, I felt as If I had been seeing them every day; the kindness, nearness, and acceptance were pure and unmistakable. I feel I belong to them no matter how different and uncorrelated our points of view are on any subject, including hot topics such as religion and politics. My family and I are always safe to be authentic with and around them.

I reflected deeply on these encounters to answer the question in my head: how do we feel we belong to a place or a group of people? Or reversely posed, what makes us feel alienated and unaffiliated with a group of people? Are the factors in the former or the latter question identical in social settings and the workplace?

We belong to a specific group of people when we feel and see that we are accepted. We might have to mold a few of our behaviors to fit within a context, but the intrinsic self is rarely moldable. Acceptance does not have to ceremonially come out to be felt, and rejection and alienation are not necessarily violent or explicit. Yet, as social beings, we sense accepting or rejecting a specific group of people with a very thin margin of error.

One might not feel affiliated with consanguineal relationships but sense chumminess with acquaintances, colleagues, or friends. We are accepted as we are when we do not have to jadedly pretend/hide/feel ashamed of our social status, religion, creed, ethnicity, race, and intellectual standing. Respect breeds acceptance. And when we are accepted, we feel safe being ourselves. Feeling safe means you are reasonably certain your differences will be respected, and no matter how widespread your anomalies are, that group you are with will still treat you with kindness and respect.

So, the equation is acceptance + safety = belonging

We seek solitude or loneliness when we do not feel we belong in a social setting. The loss to society is untold; intellectuals and professionally capable individuals from all fields choose to bury their ideas, experiences, and insights from the fear of impertinent reactions from their community. 

The feeling of belonging, or lack thereof, is also felt in the corporate world. Some employees go to work, interact with people, and spend 30% of their life in a place where they do not feel they belong. Their productivity plummets over time; they disengage and develop an attitude of mercenaries. The repercussions are huge for both themselves and the employer. These employees eventually develop depression and resentment, affecting their health and families. The employer reaps reduced productivity, substandard outcomes, and poor employee relations.

Evan Carr et al. wrote in the Harvard Business Review on 16th December 2019 the results of their survey of 1789 employees. 40% of the surveyed employees do not feel they belong to their organization. From the research, the organizations that fostered a meaningful sense of belonging among their employees noticed a 75% reduction in sick leave, a 167% increase in employer promotor score, a 56% increase in job performance, and a 50% decrease in turnover risk.

In social and workplace settings, people’s melancholic sense of not belonging costs communities, institutions, and the health and well-being of the whole society.